Boundaries and expectations: which are the best rules?
Rules are something that no one likes but everyone needs. Rules guide us in our decisions, they help to keep us safe, they impact our every day in ways that we don't even realize.

But imagine if we lived in a world of no rules. Where would we look for help in making decisions? How would we know how fast to drive? How would families cope in the middle of chaos? Our democracy is based on rules, just as our community and family should be.

Because of the importance of rules in our lives, The Amherst Task Force went about asking people about their favorite, or most effective, rules. The responses vary, are all good and can almost all be copied. After you have read them over, try to give some thought to how you would respond if you were asked about the rules in your life. Then, take up the topic at your next family dinner. It could be both fun and educational.

Mrs. M: One of the best rules I ever established for my children was as teenagers they needed to always return home to sleep after an evening activity because that is an important time to check in with a parent or two and smell breath, have a chat - sometimes deal with an emotion, hear about the activity. We call it loving surveillance

Pat: "Sunday was family day, a day to spend together with no friends. It was a time to be together without the influence of friends, job, community, etc. There was no serious consequence other than a reminder that family was important and Sunday was our day."

Laura: "Anything that you try must be done to the best of your ability because you should always put your best effort forward."

Kelli: "I have a rule! When someone is doing something you know is wrong….come home! You are guilty by association. Get yourself out of the situation. We have used this rule many times for minor incidents and we hope that by using it now, our child will have it instilled in him when the issues are bigger in social situations."

Marcia: One of the best rules that we ever established for our children was the unwritten rule of family time. Family time defined as time away from our "schedules"; our cell phones and computers. Prayer service together once a week, meal time together each night, a walk, conversation with no other distractions; taking the time to say I love you, to say sweet dreams…There are many ways to create this kind of "time;" you have to take the time."

Sherri: "One of the best rules I ever established for my children was - no television. I want them to use their time in other ways. I want them to have hobbies and to practice their music and to interact with each other. I also want to keep all that advertising down to a minimum, at least in our house. The value has resulted in gained skills rather than consequences."

Rosanne: "The best rule I established for my children was always telling the truth and being honest. Honesty is truly important in establishing character and being a true, kind and trusted friend - both as a child and adult."

Adult: "No dating until age 16. This rule allowed my daughters to become friends with boys versus relating to them as potential dates."

Jake, age 13: "Don't go into the liquor cabinet."

Courtney, age 14: "Call or talk with my parents before I go places or invite people somewhere. This rule works so I can depend on them for a ride and so they won't worry."

Rachel, age 14: "Always do your best. This rule show me that I should work hard for my own satisfaction."

Esha, age 15: "Ask permission first before doing something with my friends. My parents know where, what, and when I will be back at all times in case of an emergency."

Cadie, age 15: "My family expects me to try my best and have high expectations for my grades."

Ellie, age 15: "Always admit when you have made a mistake and don't lie about it. This rule can get you through life on a great path of honesty."

Akanimo, age 15: Having a curfew. It has kept me safe."

Rudy, age 15: "My parents are to know when I have plans. It saves us from last minute hassles."

Brittany, age 16: "Don't lie. It has been one of the best rules because my parents can trust me."

Carol, age 16: "Call if I'm going to be late. I have the responsibility to either be on time or check in."

Mark, age 16:"Honesty is one of the best rules that were ever given to me. It is the basis for a good relationship."

Avery, age 16: "Let them know where I am at all times. This rule helps them keep track of me and they know that I am safe."

Tyler, age 16: "Tell the truth because lying will eventually come back to hurt you. It was one of the best rules because it helped me become an honest person."

Mike, age 17: "Going to church every Sunday and getting involved. Religion has helped me through hard times and helped me make good decisions."

Male, age 18: "Be on time."

An unknown source from a newspaper clipping said, "No one can say the job of bringing up children (or parents) is easy. There are no perfect rules which will work or are even correct for all children (or parents). All the advice given must be adjusted for the particular child and the particular parents." Setting rules and boundaries for your family is like setting aside a little money for the future. It is what the Task Force calls building assets. We all need them and are better off because of them.

Watch for the feature article in the May Amherst Bee and learn how you can become involved in building assets for your family. Your comments and suggestions are welcome.

Send a note to the Amherst Task Force, 4255 Harlem Road, Amherst, N.Y. 14226 or send an e-mail to Sally@eccpasa.info.